ah well as you can tell, i haven't been on this in a very, very long time. perhaps the only real reason why i am indeed back on this is because the site threatened to delete my profile if i didn't return. oh well, maybe it was meant to be, as i do need to vent much anyway.

as you can imagine, more than a world of change has come and hit me full on in the face. great. not really. i miss my old life but i am caught in a tumult of pain, passion, confusion, and fear. i'm afraid to let go of the past as i feel as though i would loose all that identifies me, all that encompasses me. and yet, i can't move on with the past because the other people in my life have moved on and changed. i've changed too and i can't quite put my finger on all the ways i'm different but i wish i wasn't. it hurts to feel this alone. no family. no friends. no home. no stability.

sometimes i try to explain to people why i've changed - many people can't get over my transformation from high school to now but they don't realize i can't either. i mean, i do know the reasons why i have changed, but i dont exactly know how i've changed. a paradox.

survival is the first hint. i had to adapt to my surroundings whether that means that i had to adopt some of their ways or i had to rebel against them. does it make me a better person? probably not, i was an amazing soul before all of this, but then again, i've grown up. how do you preserve the innocence and wonder and love and forgiveness when the diarreha of the world swamps around you and sucks you in like quicksand? you can't. you become some sort of monster, struggling to pull yourself out of that muck, doing all you can to survive. its hard to swallow the change, but its better to swallow that than other people's shit.

solitude is the second clue. i've always been alone. alone in a house where every other family member spies on your every actions, attacking your person at all times. alone in a school where children spit on you because you have slightly slanted eyes and a darker complexion, to a school where they spit on you because you don't have as much money as they. alone when the only person you truly love and trust throws you to the side for something that is evidently ill-fated, contrived and evil. alone when you sit there waiting for the phone call. i'm alone so i act as such. your situation, your life, your love, your fun is yours, and mine, well it'll come with time. i figure. maybe that's why i am so secretive. no, actually, it definately is. don't get my hopes up, make me think you will love me like i love you, make me feel like we are connected, that i have made some sort of family for myself just to turn away the next moment. not just in relationships, i mean broader terms as in best friends, fiances, mothers, brothers, teachers, and fathers. don't trick me because i won't come any more. you can't trick me any more - i'm immune. or at least i would like to think. to be fully and whole-heartedly honest, i'm going to always be naive; i'll always be lonely.

hey well, well.  its been forever right?  yeha well i still live with my boyfriend and not too much has changed.  his mom is doing crazy things all the time though, like stealing one of our blank checks and bouncing it.  Kinda pisses me off.  I just am all over the place.  i miss my family and living situations all of the time, but i can't go back.  i miss having a little brother right in the next room, a nice ass car that doesn't smell of gasoline, my own space, the trust with my parents, the promise of food in the fridge, and so on.  my firends are intimidated to 1) call me, 2) come over to my house, and 3) ask if i wanna hang out.  Firstly, its because they don't like calling me at someone else's house; my boyfriend's mom is a stereotypical mean, fat, black lady; they are mostly guys and feel like its weird to call a girl at a guy's house; my boyfriend and his mom is black while the vast majority of the people that call are white and are intimidated; i live in one of the worst parts of detroit (if you ever went to see "Four Brothers", you know where i live); they think i am sad all the time (which is not true); and they think that my boyfriend is automatically going to tag along.  And while my boyfriend and i do share friends and we do hang out all the time, we can have separate lives, you know.  i do have girl time and he guy time.  its just like, we are all we have.  actually, he has a best friend and would chose him over me if it came to that and i really don't have anyone but him (esp. when it comes to the realm of family) so its kinda lonely. 

i'm in college now, hehe, i am actually IN college at the moment speaking, but i just meant that i am enrolled.  anyhow, the work and pressure can be paralyzing what with having homework and reading and writing and trying to discover myself.  i also work at a grocery store so my free time really isn;t free. i just don't feel like there is enough of me to go around.  if i reallly had any friends to hang out with, i couldn't. or at least i couldn't hang out with them and do all that i have to do. 

we need a new home. and i need a time machine so that i can make more time to sleep and just be me.  the real me doesn't watch movies or tv.  that's just a "me" that resorts to low level entertainment in the small amounts of time that i have between occupations (that being work and school and business).  the real me is the poet and drama geek that loves, i mean absolutely ADORES being by oneself.  i regret kicking my brother out of my room all those times, but he was annoying.  man. life. damn. 

well i am under house arrest now. fun.  my parents found out all about my secret black boyfriend and well now they took away everything: my cell, my keys, the car, the registration, my freedom, my phone time.  oh, and they aren't paying for my college and want me to join the marines or the air force.  they found out through a note that i had written to myself when i was angry with my boyfriend and i made him out to be a HUGE asshole but he's not.  its nothing like that and now its so hard to try to convince them otherwise.  i just want to be able to have my two families. i guess my parents are trying to break my spirit; i wanted to call someone to come over (i didn't know who, but someone other than my boyfriend since he's not allowed to comeover and all that) and my mom was like that's if they wanna bother with you and my dad was like who ever's home first i suppose.  saying stuff like that as though i have no friends.  and then i called my friend alex and he heard me crying and he came right away and i went out to put the phone back and i told them first person too!  and they laughed at me.  my mom hugged me since she could tell how broken up i was and i was telling her i knew she knows my boyfriend cares about me, deep in her heart she knows.  my dad was screamin saying stuff like what drugs have i been taking and i should take a piss test and i was telling them that i don't take drugs or anything and they know that.  i mean i know i lied to them for almost a year, so yeah i deserve punishment for that, but i was basically forced to lie because i wanted to be with my boyfriend but i couldn't just be up front about it seeing as they would react like this.  actually i thought it would be much, much worse.  but you know, i am turning 18 in 13 days and despite of that, i am not allowed to do anything outside of my house until after i graduate and move out. my parents say that they are never going to give me a car or make it easy for me or allow me to drive anything of theirs.  i'm just so fucked up you know.  i really don't want any comments about how racist my parents are and how hypocritical it is seeing as i am half asian and half white but if you have positive comments that might be able to help me out (like wishes or telling me you'll pray for us - all of us) then i would love em.  i just miss my boyfriend and my parents the way that they used to be. i dunno, it does make me happy since now they know everything and stuff and i can now show em the necklace he had bought me or stuff like that but it hurts.